Leftist Affiliations (or, is the Right Hand Always Right?) by Solace Chukwu

Recently, I was faced with a most peculiar situation. I was having lunch with a friend of mine when someone walked in, surveyed the montage before him, hissed shrilly and began to dress my friend down in Hausa. It is a considerable feat to distract me from my food, and it was with great reluctance that I looked up and asked what the bone of contention was. I was in no way particularly concerned; I only wanted the rumpus to cease so I could return to attacking my meal.
“He’s eating with his left hand,” said the visibly appalled entrant. I paused for a second. There had to be more. He hissed again and stalked off, his disdain and disgust having drenched my friend like a tropical rainstorm. My appetite disappeared. I couldn’t understand it then and I don’t understand it even now: what is wrong with being left-handed? I sought out the fellow who so cruelly robbed me of my enjoyment and asked him what the matter was. Why was it taboo in his eyes for a person to eat with his left hand? Had I missed this in my education, lost in translation as I hopscotched between different schools and traversed two states? It gnawed at the fringes of my mind, droning in the back of my head like a bothersome mosquito. He looked at me like I was thick. “How can you use the same hand you wipe yourself with to eat?” he remonstrated. “Besides, it is against our culture.” He jabbed the air as he gave me this retort, so ardent was his certitude. I did not burst his bubble, even though I could have told him that was complete hogwash. Let us undertake to tackle his arguments, shall we? Not to be indecorous, but I’m pretty sure that when it comes to cleaning up after certain bodily functions, there is no universally acknowledged or certified etiquette. What happens in the crapper stays in the crapper. Even in high society, etiquette is a bother much like Atlas’s labor, patently untenable but impossible to dispense with. It is not hard to conceive then, that in the one place where there exists no supervision whatsoever, people will necessarily do as they please. Then again, if we are to agree, for the sake of argument that every single one of the world’s 7 billion people cleans after himself with his left hand, do we imply then that the right hand is detached and hung outside the bathroom? Germs, among other disconcerting abilities, are not exactly confined to road transportation. While airborne, they skip and cavort gaily through the air, and I posit that if your right hand is present, then it is not insulated from contamination. Germs are present everywhere; every minute we touch things with both hands that are unsanitary. Shall we eat with our snouts then, like swine? On to the second argument – and while this is a slightly more hairy topic, it is no less laughable. Culture is a needful thing, but in the end it has, as its originator, a man. Every single credo of the culture we hold dear was decided upon by an individual or group, possessed with thinking faculties (and who were presumably rational). If we say that one cannot eat with his left hand because our culture(s) say so, we must of necessity be privy to the thinking behind this decision reached by the progenitors of our culture, else we become sheeple: blindly trusting and derelict in the use of our own minds. We are effectively trusting our lives to people who none of us have seen or interacted with, unjustifiably certain of their lucidity in judgment and legislative wisdom. You will forgive me if I am not enthused by this. I am also aware, and have witnessed, people turning up their noses at things handed to them with the left hand, for the sake of this same culture. Have we not then, in our deference to culture, arrogated unto ourselves and our progenitors, wisdom above that of the sovereign Creator, who the vast majority professes to believe in? He afforded us two hands, accompanied with no prohibition as to use or disuse, and it is misguided and flawed to blithely relegate one to a lesser role to serve the interests of those we do not know. Enough with this hokum about the left hand. It is just as beautifully sculpted as the right, possesses the same number of digits, and has just as firm a grip. It also types just as well, as my computer keyboard will presently agree.